


While We're Young

by Sugaandspice



Series: Drugs & Candy [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Inspired by Music, M/M, Pain, Sad, Strength, Suga is sad, Weddings, While Were Young by Marianas Trench, Yamaguchi is sweet, daisuga - Freeform, im sorry again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 10:21:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11146458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugaandspice/pseuds/Sugaandspice
Summary: "And I've been so lost without youAre you lost without me too?"





	While We're Young

**Author's Note:**

> Suga's feelings after he sees Daichi again after their breakup.

            Koushi leaned against the wall, watched everyone talk and dance and laugh. Being with everyone at Shouyou and Tobio’s wedding partly made him feel like he was back in high school again; but it also made him feel the same pain and sting from his break up with Daichi all over again.

            Everyone they knew was there and some of them he hadn’t seen since he graduated. It was great to see Yamaguchi again. He was just as kind and warm hearted as always and was studying to be a nurse. It felt awful to see Nishinoya. If he hadn’t fought with Asahi then Asahi wouldn’t have come to him and he wouldn’t have lost Daichi.

            Koushi knew he was at fault too, but he wasn’t the only one. Nishinoya had started it by yelling at Asahi and not listening to his feelings. Asahi should have never pulled him into it as far as he did and he should have never kissed him, but Koushi knew he should have never kissed back. Daichi should have listened to him though. Daichi should have let him explain.

            It had been five years and Koushi still couldn’t forget what Daichi had said and how his words hung in the air. When he first started speaking Koushi felt like his throat was closing up. It almost felt like a game of Russian roulette where the arrow is shot into the air. The rush of adrenaline you get and the feeling of your heart pounding as you run. Then as soon as Daichi said the words it felt like the arrow had finally come back down and stabbed him in the chest.

            When he spoke to him at the wedding Daichi was just cold and distant and Koushi knew why, but he would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt him. He didn’t expect Daichi to run into his arms, but he was hoping they could at least talk. When they both grew quiet, Koushi thought he was going to suffocate in the silence.

            He walked away eventually, still keeping his eye on Daichi. Every now and then Daichi would look back at him. He’d watch Daichi watch him, wondering if Daichi could sense how much he missed him and how much pain he was in. Daichi was always great at figuring out how Koushi felt.

            Koushi sighed softly, forcing a fake smile whenever Yamaguchi walked up to him. He couldn’t unload everything onto his kouhai, it wouldn’t be right, especially at someone else’s wedding.

            “What’s wrong?” Yamaguchi asked.

            “I’m fine.”

            “Suga-san.”

            _“I've been lying and I don't know why I do.”_

“Lying about what?”

            “Him.”

            Koushi motioned over to where Daichi was standing.

            “What about him?”

            “Everything.” Koushi said. “I say it doesn’t hurt. I say I don’t care. I say that nothing matters and I don’t care if he misses me.”

            “Why are you lying?”

            _“Maybe the truth hurts so it's easier not to know.”_

“It’s always easier not to know the truth.”

            “Is it really though?” Koushi asked. _“I wonder why does it hurt to try when the last goodbye is never what we're here for.”_

“Because it matters. It hurts because it matters. Sometimes things hurt more than we could ever image and we don’t want to feel that pain, but we have to. It’s good that we do. If it doesn’t hurt then that means it doesn’t matter.”

            “I don’t want it to hurt.”

            “Nobody ever does.”

            “Why does it have to hurt?”

            “Because that’s life.”

            Koushi sighed.

            “Well life sucks.”

            Yamaguchi gave him a sympathetic and squeezed his hand.

            “You’re strong. You can do it.” he said.

            Koushi shrugged.

            “I’m going to go take a walk.” He said.

            Yamaguchi nodded and stepped aside, letting Koushi walk away and go outside. He walked around for a bit, kicking a rock and singing softly to himself.

            _“So sing it back if you're with me. I wanna hear how your heart speaks. While we're young, while we're young. This should be the time of our lives! And I've been so lost without you. Are you lost without me too? While we're young, while we're young. This should be the time of our lives.”_

He didn’t even care about their relationship anymore; he just wanted Daichi back as a friend. Daichi was his best friend and when he left, Koushi didn’t have anyone. He felt so broken for so long and it took him months to piece himself back together again. When he lost his boyfriend, he also lost his best friend and that’s what broke him more than anything else.

            He still loved Daichi, anyone could look at him and tell that much was true, but he would force all of his feelings to go away if he could just have him back as a friend. He needed him back as a friend. He felt lost without him, like he was always going the wrong way or making the wrong choices. When his grandmother died he felt even more lost because he had no one to talk to about it.

            He didn’t have a shoulder to cry on or a friend to talk to or anyone around who understood what he was going through. He would have given anything to be able to have Daichi back and talk to him about what was going on.

_“Little complacency took you away from me. We both want it but love is not enough you see. Sultry disdain, in a perfect frame. Little by little by little by little bit. You slipped away to a mile from an inch and I don't know how we ended up here now.”_

As the years went by he was slowly starting to understand why Daichi had said that love wasn’t enough. He saw things in other people that he could only assume went the same way for himself and Daichi. He learned that love doesn’t always mean forever, that love isn’t always enough because there is so much more that makes up a healthy relationship.

            “ _Wonder why does it hurt to try when the last goodbye is never what we're here for… So sing it back if you're with me. I wanna hear how your heart speaks. While we're young, while we're young. This should be the time of our lives! And I've been so lost without you. Are you lost without me too? While we're young, while we're young. This should be the time of our lives.”_

He was always told growing up that his twenties were the time of his life. He was told not to settle down with anyone too early because he would miss out on all the great things that life had to offer him in his twenties. The thing was, all life had given him was loss. He lost his best friend, he lost himself, he lost his dog, he lost his grandmother, he almost lost his mother.

            None of this had been the time of his life. He had been beaten and broken and lonely. He felt lost and confused. Never in his entire life had Koushi felt more alone than he did the past two years.

            Life is hard to deal with without a best friend and Koushi was doing terribly at it. He knew he had other friends, but none of them were quite the same. He had a loving family too, but they were no help either.

            People took pity on him, they acted like he was some charity case and he hated it. He was not a charity case. He just needed a damn friend. His friends were nice, but they hadn’t lost a family member and the one that did, hardly even knew them so it had no effect on her. His friends would listen sometimes, but they never gave him any advice besides “it gets better.” He was so fucking sick of hearing “it gets better.”

            When he was upset before he could look at Daichi and he would somehow know without Koushi even having to tell him. He made sure Koushi knew he wasn’t alone, that he would be okay and he could get through whatever was wrong.

            If he was crying then Daichi would sit with him and talk to him and calm him down and neither of them would move from their spot until Koushi had stopped crying and Daichi had been able to make him laugh.

            Koushi missed that more than anything. He missed joking around with Daichi, trying to see which of them could make the other laugh first. He usually lost because he loved to laugh and Daichi knew exactly what to say to get him to laugh. He knew sometimes Daichi lost on purpose, but it always made him feel warm inside to know Daichi wanted him to be able to win.

            Koushi felt like he hadn’t laughed in so long. He’d chuckle at things every now and then, but he hadn’t laughed genuinely. He hadn’t laughed so hard he had to clutch his stomach because it hurt so badly.

            He missed hearing Daichi’s laugh too. Daichi had a great laugh. It was rough and deep and Koushi always liked watching his shoulders shake . Something about Daichi’s laugh always made him feel warm inside like hot soup on a cold day or cuddling up under a warm blanket.

            _“God, I wish, God, I wish somehow we could go back to where we came. God I miss, God I miss you now and I can't even say your name.”_

Koushi would try, but every time he tried to talk about him his name left a sour taste in his mouth and an aching in his heart. He knew Daichi was probably feeling the same things, possibly worse things, but it didn’t change how badly he hurt.

            There were times where people would tell him not to be upset about something so trivial because other people had it worse than he did. Koushi always thought that was an insensitive thing to say because for one thing, he had lost a lot, it was just Daichi. For another, people are allowed to have feelings and telling someone they can’t feel something because of other people only makes them hold it in and it invalidates their feelings. Sometimes it made him feel worse, like he was being pathetic for getting upset over things or like he was being selfish for being upset over a break up when other people were losing their lives.

            _“So sing it back if you're with me. I wanna hear how your heart speaks. While we're young, while we're young. This should be the time of our lives! And I've been so lost without you. Are you lost without me too? While we're young, while we're young. This should be the time of our lives. While we're young, while we're young. While we're young, while we're young.”_

“Sometimes.”

            Daichi’s voice made Koushi’s whole body stiffen. He wasn’t expecting him to come outside. He wasn’t expecting him to hear him singing. He wasn’t prepared for either of them either.

            “Sometimes I do feel lost without you.”

            Koushi still didn’t turn to look at him. He was afraid it was like after they firs broke up and he imagined him being there when he actually wasn’t. He was terrified that if he turned around then Daichi would just dissolve into the air. He wouldn’t be able to take that.

            “There are days where something happens and I still want to call you and tell you about it. Days where I just need my best friend to remind me it’s okay or to help me make the right choice in what to do.”

            Koushi swallowed.

            “Why don’t you then?”

            His voice was shaking and he prayed that Daichi couldn’t tell.

            “You told me you forgave me, but we can’t be friends.”

            “And I do forgive you. Life is too short to hold grudges, especially against people you love.”

            “I haven’t spoken to Asahi in a long time if that’s the issue.”

            “Can we go sit and talk?”

            Koushi hesitated and then nodded. That was all he wanted. He wanted to be able to sit down and talk to Daichi again like they used to.

            Daichi stepped forward, careful not to touch him as he led the way back to the church and sat down on the stairs. Koushi sat down next to him, his breath hitching as their close proximity. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

            “I forgave Asahi too. Us not being friends has nothing to do with you being friends with him.”

            “I’m not, I swear. We haven’t talked in three years.”

            “I believe you.”

            “I forgave him too because I understand that he was emotional. He was angry at Nishinoya and he was hurt. His emotions were heightened and you were there. I’m sure he’s not the only one who would do that.”

            Koushi nodded slightly.

            “Why did you forgive me…?” he asked quietly.

            “You were my best friend and no matter how angry I was, I still loved you. I had to forgive you.”

            “If you sometimes feel lost without me…”

            “Because I can’t look at you without thinking about what you did. That’s why we can’t be friends. It hurts too much.”

            “It hurts me too.”

            “I know.”

            “Seriously. I’m not okay. I can’t survive without you.”

            “You can.”

            “How do you know?”

            “You have so far.”

            “Barely.”

            “Then I know because you're strong, Suga. You always have been. You’re one of the strongest people that I know.”

            Koushi’s heart tightened at the sound of hearing Daichi say his name.

            “Only because of you. The only reason I ever got through anything was because of you. You were there and you talked to me and you helped me. I can’t do anything without you. I can’t do anything on my own.”

            “You can.” Daichi said. “I never did anything. You were the one with the strength to succeed and get through what you needed to get through.”

            Daichi hesitated and then reached out, giving Koushi’s hand a soft squeeze. He brushed his thumb across Koushi’s and let out a soft sigh.

            “You did it all on your own.” He whispered. “I just gave you the faith you needed to believe in yourself.”


End file.
